The Grand Old Party (Was Never This Much Fun)

The GOP stands for American morality, Christian values, and legislative integrity…or at least that what the brochure says. Lately they’ve stood for back-peddling, duplicity, and being ridiculous. The show that started as an After School Special in the 80’s has somehow turned into a reality series that makes Jersey Shore seem like The Brady Bunch. Oh, where to begin…

Let’s start with the Speaker of the House, John Boehner , I know it looks like it should be pronounced Boner…not Bayner. I’m just glad he doesn’t go by “Jack.”  Anyway…Jack Boner can’t decide if he’s a tough guy or a little girl. He talks tough whenever discussing how to handle President Obama or defending the rich from the IRS. On the other hand thinking about how far he has come from a dirt-poor background all the way to Speaker of the House makes him cry like a 12-year old girl. Gemini? Maybe. Bi-polar? Absolutely.

The Newt known as Man Gingrich wants to teach us about double standards. It’s okay to condemn another politician for adultery…as long as he’s not that adulterous politician. This outspoken critic of President Clinton’s affair doesn’t want you to talk about his own adulterous past. It’s okay to cheat on your wife…but only if you really love your country and she’s dying anyway. Might as well divorce her before she kicks so you can get on with your life so all that pesky mourning doesn’t interfere with your patriotic workload…or sex with your mistress. Way to keep it classy, Newt!! This guy wants to be the next POTUS.

Who else wants to be President? I’m glad you asked. Donald Trump was on top of the list by riding the birther conspiracy theory invented to keep Barack Obama out of the White House. Despite the fact that it didn’t work the first time it was all The Donald could conjure up for a political platform. The fates are not smiling on Trump…Obama released his birth certificate, killed Bin Laden, and co-hosted an impromptu roast of The Donald at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner with Seth Meyers. Bang! Zing! His comeback….he wants to see Obama’s high school transcripts. I want to see Trump’s Mastercard number (and expiration date). Catfish could learn a thing or two about bottom-feeding from Trump. Speaking of bottom…how does he stand in those Republican “I Want to Be President” Polls?

Ron Paul wants to be President, but he has two first names. It would be like President Bob John…just doesn’t sound right. Sarah Palin had political aspirations at one point but lacked political chops and the ability to name even one newspaper. She may have been a contender, but Americans demand that their Commander in Chief actually know stuff. Though she is hindered by a 140 character limit thought process, Mrs. Palin has been closer to political high-office than Ron Paul ever will (get a real last name, dude). She may or may not have inspired a maniac to shoot Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords by putting crosshairs over her picture…but it didn’t look good. Next time put a crosshair on somebody who is actually a threat to democracy…like Osama Bin Laden. Zing! To give Palin credit, she did come up with one of the coolest slogans ever: “Don’t Retreat, Reload.” I’m stealing that one!

To be fair the current House of Reps has churned out an amazing amount of work…not actual legislation, but fodder for late night comedians. If you’re like me then you get your news from comedians dressed like political pundits broadcasting from political-looking sets. These guys never run out of stuff to joke about…Palin, Man Gingrich, Jack Boner. These guys are in the joke spotlight night after night. Imagine how much actual work these guys could get done if they weren’t busy setting themselves up for the next skit. Tax breaks to the rich that middle class America doesn’t get, the Paul Ryan “Let’s Hope Granny Dies Quick” approach to medical care for seniors, backing subsidies to oil companies who are reaping in massive profits…all these ridiculous things boil down to one thing: bowing to corporate overlords while ignoring the health, opinions, and financial welfare of the constituents who elected them to office. The holes in the knees of your slacks tell us what you’re really doing, and it’s not in our best interest. Like the alcoholic who is the last one to see that he has a problem…it’s time to send the self-deluded jokers to rehab. Given enough time they might even be human again. One day at a time, fellas.

Sarcasmo Jones

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