Mr. Perry Goes to Washington

Written by Sarcasmo Jones
June 28, 2011

Republicans are having trouble producing viable candidates for the 2012 Presidential nomination.  We have a candidate who is conflicted on the spelling of his own name, a candidate whose ship has already sunk off the coast of Greece, a Mormon recovering from his personality-ectomy,  a historically-challenged brunette,  a token black guy, and an old dude with two first names. Enter James Richard Perry.

Credentials
Rick Perry certainly has the credentials to back a run at the Oval Office.  His tenure as the Governor of Texas is the longest in that state’s history.  He served as Lt. Governor under George W. Bush. Perry also served as a Texas State Representative for three terms as (wait for it)…a Democrat.  Rick Perry acted as the chairman for Al Gore’s 1988 campaign run in Texas.  Rick Perry brings an impressive resume with over 26 years of political experience to the table.

Rick Perry has a lot of things going for him.  He looks good posing in front of a flag.  He uses a plain Texas vernacular that appeals to working class Republicans.  He wins term after term regardless of his policies, voting records, or personal behavior.  To sum it up: he looks right, he talks right, and he wins a lot.

Part-Time Perry

Rick Perry may hold the record for gubernatorial tenure, but there will be no statues erected in honor of his work ethics.  In the last Texas Governor’s Race, Democrat Bill White referred to Perry as a “part time governor” and leveled an accusation that Perry kept a secret schedule that the public never saw.  Perry’s office mistakenly (?) released a schedule to Bill White’s staff that did not match what was on public record and Perry’s staff acknowledged that they keep two different schedules.  Whatever the “secret schedules” contain, Perry’s publicly released workload had dwindled over the years and his public schedules indicate that Governor of Texas has progressively become a part-time job.  Rick Perry’s Official Schedule from Office of the Governor paints a picture of the part-time workload described by Bill White.  The document reveals that in the 74 day schedule Governor Perry took 24 of those days off.  If nothing else, he will be the well-rested candidate of 2012.

The Father’s Day Massacre

Governor Perry’s light work schedule often allows bills to pile up on his desk: the kind that need signing, not the kind that need paying. Just this month Perry waited until the last minute to sign 1,170 pieces of Texas legislation. That’s pretty fast! Did each piece of state legislature get the necessary deliberation? Probably not. He vetoed a bill on June 18th that would ban texting while driving, but I’m sure that bill got the same 20 seconds worth of consideration that all the other bills did…about the same amount of time it takes to flip a coin.

But that’s nothing compared to what Perry did on June 17, 2001 when he vetoed 78 state bills in one day.  This Father’s Day veto frenzy killed bills that would provide low interest loans to green building, ban discrimination against bikers, provide judicial training in ethics and racial sensitivity, and a bill that would prevent intellectually challenged individuals from receiving the death penalty.  The Texas single-day veto record was broken that day and may very well stand forever.

Don’t Mess With Texas

Wasn’t Perry the guy who hinted at secession, encouraged state sovereignty over federal law, and told the federal government that “Texas has lots of money” while pissing away federal aid desperately needed by our educators?  Yep, that’s the guy.  Funny thing is just a couple of months after telling the feds to take their cash and shove it, Perry stated that you would have to be “deaf, dumb, and blind” if you couldn’t see that Texas had a money problem.  That’s what we had been saying about Perry for a while…deaf, dumb, or blind.  That was back in 2009 and should have kept him out of the Governor’s Mansion…but it didn’t.  Ann Richards could have beaten ol’ Perry, but Kay Bailey Hutchinson couldn’t mass enough support to unseat the incumbent Perry.  Neither could Bill White for that matter.

If you haven’t seen the video of Perry getting pulled over for speeding in 2000 then you owe it to yourself to do a little digging.  Seeing him tell that State Trooper lady to “let us get on down the road” is the finest gubernatorial equivalent to “I’m a grown-ass man and I do what I want” rants that a DPS dash-cam can provide.  I think he was more annoyed by the fact that she didn’t recognize him than anything else.  There exists another video of Governor Perry mocking Houston reporter Ted Oberg and then zinging him with an “adios, mo-fo.” Good one, sir.  Vote this hot-head into office and we might get some good video of him telling China to suck it.  Maybe he’ll tell Mexico to kiss his ass.  It won’t be good politics but it would make a great reality television program.

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