What’s in the Tea Party’s Tea?

By Sarcasmo Jones

America is being threatened from within by an insidious substance that has already completely penetrated the Legislative branch of our government.  Its chemical designation is Republicus confundium bromide, but it better known as “Tea” by the addicts who abuse this dangerous drug.  Common symptoms of abuse are an inability to interpret historical events, an insatiable lust for financial gain, disdain of the environment, denial of global warming, a love of pollution, impaired decision-making faculties, an inflated sense of self-importance, and loss of basic arithmetic skills.

The ingredient list for this concoction seems as evil as the results it produces: gunpowder, methamphetamines, green modeling clay, ½ glass of $235/bottle wine, the fat from an un-christened boy, and crude oil…topped with a Tiffany diamond and served in the platinum-coated skull of Pontius Pilate.  Satan himself concocted this cocktail of destruction and had been trying to use its mind-addling power on powerful political figures for over two hundred years in an attempt to kick-start Armageddon, but had been constantly thwarted until he met an aspiring vice-presidential candidate named Sarah Palin.

Satan describes his meeting with Palin on that fateful day.  “The McCain/Palin tour had rolled into my hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma and I had planned to lure Palin away from McCain, who had thwarted me before in 1968, 1977, and again in 1986 at a Motley Crue concert.  Palin had wandered away from the watchful eye of my worthy opponent to stare at a patch of dirt. As I approached her she informed me that “we don’t have dirt like this in Alaska, gosh no!  This is good dirt.” As I was beginning my deviously prepared speech to coerce her into taking a sip of my special Tea, she interrupted me to ask “Whatcha drinking there, fella? It sure is a fancy cup!” As I began to list the evil ingredients she said “Oh stop, you had me at methamphetamines” and proceeded to drain the entire contents of my evil brew into her idiotic gullet. One only needs a single sip of my Tea to produce the desired effect but she took fifty times the correct and safe dosage, and was addled immediately…my plans ruined.  The victim needs to remain coherent and cognizant for my potion to work correctly, corroding the soul of the victim while corrupting the mind. Ideally this leaves the imbiber with malicious intent and disregard for humanity and the world, thus allowing my evil to subtly spread across the face of the earth like an invisible plague. Palin said “Gosh I feel good, like when Jim Washington defeated all those Cubans at the Alamo,” and wandered back to McCain. I still can’t believe that bitch drank the whole thing…Damn it!!”

Damn it, indeed.  The recipe for Tea was found lying on the floor of the House of Representatives where it was discovered by Republican Eric Cantor.  “Yeah, I left it there,” admits Satan, “with the fucking dosage in a bold font AND highlighted.”  The abuse of this mind-addling drug has run rampant in both houses and is responsible for the Tea Party Movement.  Ignoring the warnings about dosage, Cantor distributes this demonic brew indiscriminately, but the cost is astronomical.  A legislator can obtain one dose of Tea from Cantor for about what 4 ounces of cocaine would cost on the street.  “They can’t get enough of this shit,” Cantor states with a derisive chortle, “it’s fucking hilarious.  I have Boehner blowing corporate execs to get money for his shit.  And have you seen Paul Ryan’s budget plan?  Those cats need to slow the fuck down!”

No one has suffered from the effects of Tea more than Michele Bachmann.  She entered the House of Representatives standing at an impressive 5’7”.  Bachmann now stands at 4’11” and many in the House fear that she may need more than a milk crate to see over the podium at the next debate.  It’s not her constantly shrinking form that has friends and family most concerned, but her waning understanding of history that proves to be far more shocking.  “I don’t mind her getting smaller” reports husband Marcus Bachmann.  “She kinda reminds me of a guy I met at summer camp.  But just the other day she told me about how America defeated the Germans and Russians during Cold War II.  What is happening to my wife?”

Friends and family of the addled victims of this terrible substance, concerned for the public images of the ones they love, have turned to altering Wikipedia entries to coincide with the incoherent statements of their beloved demented.  “I went to the most respected authority I could think of and change the Founding Father thing to include John Adams, but Wikipedia took it down” whines a dispirited Marcus Bachmann.  “I’m at my wits end!”

As dark as things seem on Capitol Hill, hope survives as a select few Republicans refuse to participate in the vicious cycle of addiction and stupidity.  “I would like to try it,” remarks Republican Presidential Candidate Ron Paul, “but they said I had to drink it out of that skull thing.  Why can’t I use my sippy cup? I’m a big boy!”  John McCain has refused to comment publicly on this growing problem poisoning the legislative branch but has condemned its use behind closed doors.  McCain was overheard screaming at some fellow Republicans privately, “The Devil gave us the recipe…what did you think was gonna happen?  World peace?  You dumb motherfuckers! ”

“My plan was simple and subtle, yet elegant” laments a distraught Asmodeus, “but those GOP Tea addicts are destroying the whole thing with blatant idiocy.  What should have gone unnoticed has been lit up like Broadway.  We’ve got Orrin Hatch playing with paper dolls and telling people that the poor need to pay up.  Boehner changes position so quickly that people don’t have time to forget his previous position.  Then we have representatives acting like they’re financial experts.  I wouldn’t trust those half wits with milk money, but they’re going to balance the budget for an entire nation.”  He then added “Bwahhahahaha.”  Satan admits his culpability in this political farce.  Those who participate in this “Tea Party Express” need to put down the platinum plated skull and focus on getting this country off its knees.  Admitting that you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery.  You can work on tarnishing your reputation after you retire, but the country needs level-headed leadership and positive legislation right now…not Tea.

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