Mr. Perry Goes to Washington – Part Deux

Written by Sarcasmo Jones

Rick Perry is a winner.  He has shrugged off allegations of corruption, duplicity, laziness, unpopular decisions, DPS dash-cam antics, and even called a reporter “Mo-Fo” on television.  Despite all that, he is the longest-serving Texas Governor ever.  How does he do it?  Texas is rather unevenly divided on whether we like our current Governor or not.  He has a lot of the qualities that appeal to the conservative voter:  he’s against abortions, he will not raise taxes come hell or high water, he backs legislation that targets illegal immigration, and he gives the impression of a down-home, Christian values kind of guy.  On the other hand his approval rating slumped to 33 percent, somebody burned his house down, and there are still no shortage of folks who object strongly to the Governor’s policies and presence.  However, this Teflon Texan is still the top banana and the front runner, according to The Fort Worth Star Telegram, in a Presidential race that he hasn’t even entered…yet.

Mercky Water
Governor Perry issued an executive order that all school-age girls, age 11-12, receive a regimen of shots to prevent cervical cancer.  Perry explains this strange order, the first of its kind in the country, as “If there are diseases in our society that are going to cost us large amounts of money, it just makes good economic sense, not to mention the health and well being of these individuals to have those vaccines available.”  Perry claims that the vaccine requirement is no different than getting shots for Polio.  Opposition to the executive order states that parents should be making medical decisions for their daughter, not the Governor.  The vaccine, Gardisil, targets the sexually transmitted human papillomavirus (HPV), which has been linked to cervical cancer.
Gardisil is manufactured by Merck, a company that contributed $6,000 to Perry’s re-election campaign, although Merck spokeswoman Janet Skidmore refused to put a dollar amount on lobbyist contributions.  We can, however, put a dollar figure on Gardisil…$360 for a regimen of three shots or, if you prefer, $120 per shot.  Three hundred and sixty buck for every eleven year-old girl in the state of Texas…well played, sir.

Lovely Home, Guv’nor
Someone set fire to “the oldest continuously occupied executive residence west of the Mississippi” on June 8, 2008.  Fortunately, our part-time Governor was “working” in Sweden at the time and was never in any danger.  The Governor’s Mansion was being renovated at the time and no one was living there. The arsonist was never captured.

Where does the Governor spend his incredibly inordinate amount of down-time now that his house is uninhabitable? We, the tax-paying Texans, have provided a seven-bath, five bedroom mansion in Austin to the tune of $10,000 a month, and he’s been there since the fall of 2007.  That comes to about $450,000. We Texans are tightening our belts and sacrificing the education of our children while Governor Perry dances on Pecan wood floors and “works” in Sweden. His retort: “If that’s the best cut anybody’s got of leadership in the state of Texas, then bring it on.” At least he didn’t add “mo-fo” to his retort.

Show Him the Money
Rick Perry seems to have an unhealthy relationship with money.  When faced with an $11 billion shortfall, he denied federal aid and told the US government that Texas has lots of money.  No soup for me, thanks…I filled up on imaginary pork chops.  Perry has a history of taking campaign contributions from companies that end up in hot water, like Enron and Taxmasters, and keeping all or most of the money when they get in trouble.

Rick Perry’s strong Christian values and prominent position in Texas, and possibly US, politics must drive him to lead by example. Nope. Perry is not a charitable man and has donated around one-half of a percent of his salary to charity. In 2007 he donated $90 to his church, and often donates nothing. One of his biggest donations was to an organization that his wife receives $65,000 a year from for consulting.  He’s kind of tight when it comes to giving up his walking around money.  And almost all of his money is walking around money since taxpayers pay his exorbitant rent. No wonder he thinks Texas is so well off financially…he’s swimming in green.

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