Ozzy for President

By Sarcasmo Jones

The Republican presidential contenders this year are a diluted mixture of the same old shit with a dash of crazy for flavoring. Despite the endless debating, and straw polls of varying accuracy and results, the Republican field is wide open and ripe for a charismatic individual from left field to enter the fray and steal the show. Enter John Robert Osbourne.

Despite his ineligibility, this Englishman has already had “Ozzy for President” t-shirts in circulation for decades and more folks have written in Ozzy’s name for President over the years than have actually voted for Mitt Romney. Ozzy stands apart from the rest of the Republican crowd and has an entire arsenal of advantages over every other Presidential hopeful.

Vs. Rick Perry

Both candidates have great hair.

Ozzy once urinated on The Alamo and was consequently banned from performing in San Antonio for a decade; Perry has been pissing on Texans for over a decade.

Mr. Osbourne has made millions selling hit records; Mr. Perry has made millions selling his soul and selling out Texas.

Ozzy owns his own house; Rick Perry lives in a rental paid for by Texas taxpayers.

Ozzy has killed chickens, doves, and a bat; Perry kills humans.

Ozzy Osbourne works very hard; Rick Perry hardly works.

Osbourne is far less controversial than Rick Perry.

Vs. Michele Bachmann

Both candidates are married to strong women.

Ozzy has a song called Crazy Train; Michele Bachmann has a crazy brain.

Nobody but Ozzy can understand what he is saying; Nobody but Bachmann can understand what she is talking about.

Michele believes her husband can pray the gay away; Ozzy just doesn’t give a shit.

Ozzy is an accomplished songwriter; Bachmann writes her own version of American history.

Ozzy often gets wild-eyed during a concert (or coke binge); Michele Bachmann is wild-eyed even when she sleeps.

Vs. Jon Huntsman

The people that work for Ozzy know how to spell his name; Huntsman’s supporters aren’t even sure he’s still running.

Ozzy knows when to throw in the towel; Huntsman is trailing behind several write-in candidates, like George Clooney and Skeletor.

Huntsman speaks Mandarin Chinese, Ozzy’s mumblings often sound Chinese.

Ozzy’s blood alcohol level is higher than Huntsman’s chances of winning.

Vs. Herman Cain

Cain was the CEO of Godfather’s pizza; Ozzy once tried to make his own pizza and it was terrible.

It is rumored that ,when told that Herman Cain was a Republican, Ozzy replied “Really? I thought he was black…”

Ozzy’s version of a Chilean model includes a bikini.

Herman Cain has a vague plan for the struggling US economy; Ozzy has a vague recollection of smoking hash with Cain at a Fina station outside of Phoenix.

Vs. Ron Paul

Ron Paul wants to legalize hard drugs…even Ozzy thinks this is a bad idea.

Ron Paul believes that the raid that ended Osama Bin Laden’s life was “unnecessary” and would not have ordered the raid if he were President at the time; Ozzy will give Ron Paul the Bin Laden treatment if he doesn’t shut up.

Ron Paul wants to legalize prostitution…this is the only political position that he and Osbourne share.

Vs. Mitt Romney

When asked about Mitt Romney, Ozzy is rumored to have said “I just don’t like his fucking name, man.”

Ozzy believes that Romney’s hair is made of Playdough.

When questioned about the Ames straw poll and the Iowa state fair speeches, Ozzy stated that Mitt Romney “had the Captain Morgan thing down.”

Ozzy loves Obamacare because it would give Americans access to health care that they wouldn’t have been able to get before and he would congratulate Mitt Romney for coming up with the idea.

Romney has a little over 120,000 followers on Twitter…Ozzy has 1.3 million followers. Make no mistake…this is a popularity contest.

Ozzy Osbourne stands head and shoulders above every other Republican…too bad he’s not a Republican or even eligible for office. But remember this, my friends; every vote for Ozzy is a vote that the other guy didn’t get. So vote early, vote often, and write in Ozzy Osbourne for President.

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