Herman Cain: Pop Culture Wizard

By Sarcasmo Jones and Shelly Wymer

Dear Mr. Cain,

As writers, we at the American Left realize how difficult it can be to create original material. We also realize that your diminished intellectual capacity makes creative writing an impossibility, which explains your constant reliance on pop culture references. While most reputable institutions call this act “plagiarism” we understand that politics is a long way from being a reputable institution. Even though we consider you an incompetent ass, we consider you our intellectually challenged brother from another mother and would like to save you some research time and just give you some good pop culture references to feed your constituents. Feel free to claim these as your own as I’m sure nobody is really listening to your goofy ass anyway…and God help us if they are.

If you should ever imagine yourself winning an argument during a debate…“You got knocked the fuck out!”  Friday

On the “war against terror”…“War, war never changes.” The Fallout video game series

On your diminishing chances of actually living in the White House…“It’s the same old story. You never get a second chance for a dance to the top of the hill.”  Aerosmith, The Hill

Profess your love of females…“You ain’t seen nothing till you’re down on a muffin.” Aerosmith, Walk This Way

If you want to seem deep, but not as deep as the Pokemon movie song…“Like the sand through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives.”  Days of Our Lives opener

Contemplative Cain…“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice” Rush, Free Will

Because your a wild and crazy guy…“I was born a poor black child.”  Steve Martin in The Jerk

Burn Michele Bachmann’s spouse…“Your princess is in another castle.”  Super Mario Bros.

Because you look like Mr Potato Head…“They call me Tater Salad.”  Ron White

When addressing your campaign staff…“Who is more foolish, the fool or the one who follows him.” Obi Wan Kenobi to Han Solo, Star Wars Episode IV

You don’t really have any friends, because nobody likes you…“I am, and ever shall be, your friend.”  Dr. Spock to Captain Kirk, Star Trek II-The Wrath of Khan

Sing this mockingly because pollution is a myth…“There’s no swimming in the heavy water, no singing in the acid rain.” Rush, Distant Early Warning

Blurt this out at a debate for bonus crazy points…“I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with me.” Rorschach to his fellow prisoners, The Watchman

I don’t know about fast, but you’re pretty fucking furious…“I live my life a quarter mile at a time, nothing else matters.” Dom Toretto , Fast and the Furious

When everything’s coming up roses you can tell yourself…“Every rose has its thorn.”  Poison

This, of course, refers the the crotches of the women you have groped over the years…“Gotta catch ‘em all.”  Pokemon

Borrowing these pop culture references will not make you seem any smarter to the public at large, but they sure as hell can’t make you look any stupider. We at The American Left are waiting for your next piece of plagiarism, sordid details regarding your sexual harassment of women, or demonstration of your ignorance of foreign policy with bated breath. We know a cheap pizza huckster masquerading as a politician when we see it, sir, and we see it in you. It’s written all over your face in pepperoni and black olives for the world to see. Break a leg, Herman!

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