Dear Santa

by Sarcasmo Jones

Dear Santa,

I’ve been pretty good this year.  I guess good is a relative term but I was better this year than I was in 2006 when I was hooked on the shit, but not as good as the year that you brought me the Mongoose dirt bike and Pyromania…must have been 1984.  Since I’ve been relatively good this year I have some relatively steep demands for Christmas, and you better come through this year you fat bastard.

Before you ask, yes, the list is prioritized with #1 being the most important.  This does not mean that you can just deliver on the top 3 and blow off the rest.  I have intentionally shortened the list this year so everything could be waiting under the tree on Christmas morning…and because a lot of things on the list are illegal, immoral, or both.  You’re getting off easy this year, fat man…don’t let me down.

1. I want Photoshop so I can manipulate pictures of the Reublican Presidential hopefuls doing crazy shit.  I already have plans for this software and have already promised some juicy pics to my editor so we’re both in a bind if you don’t deliver.  I want to take that picture of Perry eating a corn dog and change the corn dog into a giant black penis.  I also need to provide pictures of Ron Paul smoking a doobie, Michele Bachmann running over orphans with that crazy-ass smile on her face, and one of Mitt Romney killing a hooker.  I was going to ask for some incriminating videos of Herman Cain doing something unpresidential in nature but he has already taken himself out, so don’t even try to take credit for that one!

2. I want a set of giant brass cajones delivered to the White House a tag that reads “To Barack, From Santa.”  I’m worried that the President has been going soft on Congress, and the new balls would allow him to be firmer when dealing with those children we have elected to represent us.

3. I want the name “Santorum” stricken from public record.  I want every reference to the man taken out of any literature, media records, birth certificates, everything but the Google definition…that should stay.

4. I want the following groups of people to get a bit of a breather this year:  gay people, Muslims, the poor, the elderly, and those poor women who had to endure ugly-ass Herman Cain trying to fondle them.  They all need a break this year.

5. I want these people to get fucked with this year: pepper-spraying cops, job-killing Republicans, environment-hating Republicans, education-hating Republicans, poor-hating Republicans, all the other Republicans, BP, Rupert Murdoch, that fucker from Domino’s who told me that my check had to be number such and such or he couldn’t accept it, drunk drivers, polluters, American companies that outsource manufacturing jobs, the Koch brothers, and that asshole who peed in my front yard.

6. I want people to refer to macaroni and cheese mixed with tuna to start calling it “Macaroni and Feet” because that’s what it smells like.

7. I can’t afford to go to New Orleans this year so I want New Orleans brought here.

8. I want a writer’s tolerance to alcohol.  I’m sick of drinking three beers and passing out when most of my colleagues can put away a case.  I know it’s not a contest, but I’m starting to look like a sissy here.

9. I want all of these fucking cats in my house GONE.  I know some stupid kids have asked for pets this year…just stop by here first and BAM. Done!

10. A Ferrari.  I know in the past I have asked for the GTO, the 599, the Testa Rossa, the F50, the California, the FXX, the Enzo, and the F40. Times are tough so I would be happy with any Ferrari…as long as it’s red.

Feliz Navidad, motherfucker.  And as always failure to bring these items will result in a nasty death for you and the missus blah blah blah you know the rest.

Sincerely,

Sarcasmo Jones

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1 Comment

  1. What I want to address here is those who believe in a God who created this universe and yet feel they need to incorporate this natural understanding in their cosmology.

    Reply

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