Newt Gingrich: Original Thinker

By Sarcasmo Jones

Newt Gingrich is a bit of an intellectual anomaly:  he will verbalize the worst ideas with such sincerity that I can’t help but wonder if he is an idiot or if he’s just playing with us. With the help of a special machine built solely for the purpose of extracting ideas from a person I now have the contents of his head in my computer and have definitive proof that he is an idiot. Here’s what Newt Gingrich believes:

There is no such thing as Kentucky. It’s a made up state that gives us an even 50 stars on the flag.

Poor people should be shot in the face with poison darts. They just sit around smoking crack and watching television until 4 in the morning anyway, collecting food stamps and welfare. If someone as fat, stupid, and morally bankrupt as myself can become House speaker, then they can at least find work as department store mannequins or prostitutes.

Sweatshops are a good idea and we need more of them here in the United States. We could take all these lollygagging poor kids and give them a productive role in society by placing them in a locked building with high-temperature machines and highly flammable chemicals and cloth, and then hope for the best.

Palestinians are not a real ethnic group. They are the brainwashed lapdogs of Barack Obama, who has been using them to cause upheaval in the Middle East even before he was born. He has accomplished this through a pre-natal deal he made with Satan.

Married women who become terminally ill are no longer people. The damning diagnosis should be coupled with divorce papers so the husband can immediately go get his dick wet. Mourning the death of an ex-wife is much far less painful than going without sex for who knows how long while waiting for your wife to die.

Underperforming schools are the fault of underperforming poor children who are there for no other reason than to eat lunch. If they are just there to score a meal or two then let them put on a janitor’s uniform and clean the place up. We could pay them in cutlets and cartons of milk and get rid of those high-falooting , overpaid janitors. In order to make this program a necessity we should immediately shoot all school janitors.

Gay marriage is an abomination. A man cannot possibly love another man enough to marry him, he only loves the penis. If a man wants to marry another man one of them has to become a she-male, so instead of explaining why two men are holding hand and kissing to our kids we can just tell them that lady has a dick.

Foreigners are not to be trusted. I don’t care if you speak English or not. If you aren’t from America then you should just shut up now. Immigrants should not be allowed to eat American food, have sex, or own a house. They will just impregnate our women with unworthy utero-trash and make bombs in their basements.

The rest of Mr. Gingrich’s thoughts are either about gorging on tacos or delusions of being a competent best-selling writer.  I must add that this machine is extremely accurate, extremely complicated, and came with a “Newt Gingrich” setting.  I will set it to Michele Bachmann next week and see what happens.

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