Friday Morning B&E

By Sarcasmo Jones

Someone stole my shit.  They kicked my door in while I was at work and stole my best shit…my Xbox 360, 2 laptops, a Kindle Reader, 2 flat screen TVs, and my wife’s jewelry.  If you see any of my stuff let me know…you’ll know it’s my laptop because the background is the scene from Bullitt where Steve McQueen is peeling out at the beginning of that bad-ass car chase with the Charger chasing his GT-500 Fastback.

I had some really cool stuff loaded onto that laptop.  I was working on an app in Visual Studio that could turn any phone into a fart machine.  Actually it would turn every phone into a fart machine because it was actually a virus that would spread through the victim’s address book and send it to everybody listed.  This app, naturally, ignores any mute or vibrate setting, cranks the volume all the way up, and lets it rip.  I was already squirreling money away for the inevitable lawsuit.

Speaking of lawsuits, I initially sent an e-mail to Mitt Romney (from the desktop dinosaur that was apparently too much of a pain in the ass to tote around to pawn shops) with a hastily composed accusation.  Bear in mind that I don’t really believe that the Republican front-runner stole my stuff, but he’s definitely hiding something and he smells like Alberto V05 and a golf bag. His response…

“Mr. Jones,

I have told you several times that this is not Mitt Romney’s e-mail address.  I don’t know what substance you are using to self-medicate whatever demons are tormenting you, but you are either taking way too much or not nearly enough.  My name is Matt Romero, not Mitt Romney.  You are not even close on the spelling.  Last week you accused me of not caring about poor people.  The week before that, you called me a “wolf in a Ward Cleaver suit.”  I don’t give a shit about your stolen laptop, your “level 42 dark elf”, or your password to  Leave me alone or I will personally come to Texas and beat the living shit out of you myself.



You sound like a real tough guy, “Matt.”  We will see what a tough guy looks like when your own secret service guys turn on you for being a douche.  We’ll see what the “tough guy” has to say when he is face to face with the President who, unlike your little Republican debate buddies, actually has his shit together and will beat you to death with your own words.  Originally I was going to characterize all the Republican hopefuls as Batman villains but you all ended up being Two Face.

So congratulations, you’re at the top of the crap heap with a laptop crammed full of porn and a copy of Skyrim that still has that new-game smell.  I hope you were stupid enough to pawn that shit using your real ID and not the fake one you used to cross the border.  By the way, where were you born, amigo?

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