Yahoos with Guns

By Sarcasmo Jones

Like most Americans, the events at Sandy Hook Elementary have forced me to re-examine my position on the gun violence epidemic in America. I have only been able to identify myself as a liberal Democrat for a little over two years now. My voting record is as follows: Bush, Clinton, Clinton, Bush, Bush, McCain, and finally Obama in 2012. That being said, I am a Texan, and was a Republican for almost as long as I have been able to vote, so my position on gun ownership likely differs from most of my liberal peers. I have no problem with pistols, shotguns, or hunting rifles, but I believe that weapons of war have no place in the hands of the general public, most especially my fellow Texans. I do not currently own a gun, but I once owned a S&W .357 Magnum and, briefly, a shotgun. I’ve only been hunting once…most likely due to the fact that I shot my grandfather’s bird dog and was never again invited. This heartbreaking tragedy at this Connecticut elementary school has not only divided the country over gun control and the second amendment, but also guns in schools, mental health care, video games, too many female teachers, birth control, and the absence of prayer in our schools.

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” That, my friends, is all there is to the Second Amendment to the Constitution. I feel that I need to point out that there is a difference between a well regulated militia, which we have, and a bunch of yahoos with guns, which we also have. In fact, one of our well regulated militia bases, Fort Hood, was actually victimized by a yahoo with a gun. That LaPierre fella from the NRA says that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. He also wants to put guns in our schools to protect the children. Why would we want better access to firearms at an elementary school than at a military base? Ponderous, fucking ponderous. Shoot a teacher, or a cop, and you have another loaded gun for your collection. Nice plan, LaPierre! By the way, who’s paying for all of these firearms? Will the NRA give up its lobbying endeavors to fund a program like this?

We have the death penalty here in Texas, and we use it, just like Ron White says we do. Being a Texan and a former Republican, I am in favor of the death penalty, even in cases of mentally ill perpetrators. I have heard the argument that folks shouldn’t be killed if they don’t understand why we’re killing them. If they don’t understand, then don’t bother trying to explain it, just flip the fucking switch already. The decline in funding to social services has inevitably led to more mentally ill folks unable to receive treatment and with little hope of recovery. Yet the gun laws are lax enough for these folks to arm themselves, if they do not have a prior felony. In fact, it is easier for them to get guns than cold medicine. If you don’t believe me, go to a gun show and buy a dozen guns, then stop by Walgreen’s on the way home and buy twelve packages of Sudafed and see which purchase catches more shit.

Video games are the new devil unraveling the fabric of society in America. Before the video game uproar, folks blamed rap and heavy metal. Before that we blamed violence in movies. Before that we blamed Edgar Allen Poe and loose women. With the exception of FedEx Ship Manager, I have never encountered any software that made me want to go out and shoot folks. I have been playing video games for over three decades now, in fact I write reviews and game articles for another website. That being said, I have never encountered a game so violently influential that I was tempted to shoot up a school, a post office, a movie theater, or Fort Hood. If you’re looking for the common factor in in the shootings at Columbine, Fort Hood, and Sandy Hook, it’s not video games, or Judas Priest, or even John McClane: it’s the fucking guns. You would have to hit someone pretty hard with a copy of Black Ops 2 to kill them.

Women generally make better teachers, at the elementary level, than men do: they’re more patient and far less threatening than most men. These educators of our idiotic children have a very thankless job, and are not paid well for their chosen vocation. These folks teach our children out of a love for kids and for education. Who taught these assholes who are blaming teachers for this perceived failure? Can we blame their teachers for the way that they turned out? Can we blame Ted Nugent’s kindergarten teacher for him being an admitted draft-dodging serial statutory rapist? By the way, Mr. Nugent, have you paid your considerable debt to society yet? Birth control and the absence of God in the classroom are non issues introduced by another mentally ill Conservative, who shall go unnamed in this article, but writes terrible historical fiction (not by himself because talent only goes so far) and hosts a comedy show on Fox.

The common denominator is guns. I understand the NRA’s reluctance to give up their Bushmasters, but yahoos do not need to be so heavily armed. Folks do not need an assault rifle to hunt deer, nor do they need tanks or anti-aircraft guns for home protection. Those are weapons of war, and a .357 or a 12 gauge shotgun will both kill anyone breaking in to steal your flat screen TV. Leave the weapons of war to the well regulated militia.

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