Guns Aren’t The Problem

by Sarcasmo Jones

President Obama signed 23 executive orders this week in an attempt to curb gun violence in America, and he is sending a 14-point proposal to Congress under the mistaken impression that our Legislative Branch is still functional. He wants to eliminate access to assault weapons, reduce clip capacity to ten bullets, and provide better access to mental health care. These proposals sound really good on paper, but fail to address the real problem: our kids turned out to be assholes. Which is more important, our punk kids or the Second Amendment?


The Second Amendment has provided Americans the right to hunt with assault rifles and defend our homes with bazookas for over two hundred years, and we aren’t about to give that up. The sound of gunfire has a stimulating response on the human central nervous system, providing a dopamine response in the brain, similar to cocaine euphoria, and an undeniable tingling in the genitals. The thought of shooting an intruder, perhaps creeping in through a window or kicking in the front door, gives most men a “rock-hard” response that lasts for hours.

Our children, on the other hand, provide an opposite physiological reaction. They provide no euphoric tingling and their erection-blocking presence can lead to genital atrophy. These fruits of the collective loins of once-proud Americans have proven to be egocentric, demanding, slovenly, lazy, pizza-munching, video-gaming, elementary school stalking, forgot to take out the trash, car stealing gun fondlers. The Second Amendment has been around for 24 decades, and we had absolutely no problems with guns until these kids showed up. Something must be done!

Let’s take a look at who’s really doing all this shooting, shall we. The Columbine massacre back in April of 1999 was orchestrated and acted out by two high school seniors. Sandy Hook killer, Adam Lanza, was only 20 years old. We have gangbangers shooting it out on the streets of your city on a daily basis, and they were all once punk kids who forgot to take out the trash and honed their killing skills on video games and fondled our firearms while we weren’t looking. Well, we are looking now, kiddo. B

Guns are safer than children. We recently had an NRA Sponsored Gun Appreciation Day, and only eight people were shot by firearms that day. How  many kids smarted off to their parents that day? How many refused to clean their room? How many fondled our guns while fantasizing about killing us and everyone else in their neighborhood while sporting a rock-hard erection?

These kids have to go. I’m not proposing that we dump these slackers in WWII-style mass graves, but that we dispose of all 17-21 year olds quietly, at home, and bury them under the shade of the old Magnolia tree. We have failed to instill the concepts of humanity and respect in these kids, and they have turned rotten. We have to get rid of them before they influence their younger siblings, who are rapidly losing their cuteness and well on their way to becoming assholes themselves. We will strike a blow for the smell of gunpowder and for our God-given right, as Americans, to bear arms, and use them, in defense of our great nation.

I know what you’re thinking: “I agree that my twenty year-old son is a dick, but this seems like a really bad idea.” You are correct, it is a bad idea. However, as stupid as my idea is it’s certainly no worse than placing guns in schools, or stating that the only thing that can stop a bad guy on a shooting spree is a good guy on a shooting spree. More guns is not the answer. The solution starts at home by teaching our kids to value others and show them responsible gun ownership that starts by locking the damn things up. We provide access to mental health to those that need it, and we take weapons of war off the streets and out of the hands of angry rednecks. I applaud the efforts of the President and Vice President Biden: I think it’s a good first step in the right direction.


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