The Secessionists

By Sarcasmo Jones


Secession is an ugly word:  it has way too many esses for a word that is not a plural noun and means that folks want to break off from the rest of us.  At the time of this writing, almost 120,000 Texans have signed a petition to secede from the USA that reads:


These Texans want to secede in order to avoid being searched at airports and to become #15 in the world? Such lofty aspirations!  I have news for these disillusioned Texans: the only reason we rank on a worldwide economic scale in the first place is because we are part of the United States.  Texas is an attractive place to do business for a few reasons:  it rarely snows, we have a lot of South of the Border immigrants willing to work for low wages, corporate tax rates are non-existent, and we have no state income tax.  This does not mean Texas is ready to stand on its own.  We are a state plagued by constant drought, which is hard on agricultural production and the feeding of livestock.  All these steakhouses and rib joints indicate that Texans like their beef.  We are also subject to frequent hurricanes and tornadoes.  Without federal funds to help pick up the tab after yearly natural disasters, we would have to pull those funds from the tax-paying population…and you thought that 8.25% was a high sales tax rate.

Texans have been screaming for years that we need to tighten up border security to the south in order to prevent illegal immigration.  In a post-secession Texas, we would also have to close our borders to the north, east, and west.  You don’t want just any ol’ undocumented Okie or Cajun to stroll into the Republic of Texas: we’re going to need fences, guards, guns, and bullets.  This, of course, means driving to Tulsa to visit the in-laws just became an international affair, complete with passports and border guards on the other side of the fence, who are likely less friendly to Texans than the TSA ever dreamed of being.


Texans would like to keep their #15 economic rank, or perhaps improve to #14.  This raises the question of where will we peddle our wares.  Selling to Americans would likely subject us to international tariffs and trade regulations, if we aren’t embargoed outright like Cuba.  The other side may hold a grudge when we dissolve this long standing union.  We make all kinds of stuff in Texas, but that doesn’t mean shit if you have no one to buy it.  Would the larger companies here in Texas be willing to stay here? Would American Airlines change their name? Could we keep companies like Lockheed and Bell Helicopter, who rely on American military contracts to keep Texans working? Southwest Airlines? General Motors? The flip side of this corporate desertion diatribe is the fact that Texans would have to pay more for imported goods. All the fast food, Idaho potatoes, Maine lobsters, industrial steel, silicon, Kentucky coal, etc. will all come at a greater cost to Texans. There better be a big fucking pay raise in the future because a lot of us are already living paycheck to paycheck.

So you folks go ahead and sign your little petition because we all know why you really signed the damn thing to begin with: your guy didn’t win the Presidential election and you think that our current President is Islamic, born in Kenya, or the fucking Antichrist.  He’s none of those things, in fact, he’s the best man for the job. If Texas does secede, I’ll be pulling up and moving to Tulsa.  As much as I love Texas, I’d rather be an American, even if I had to live in Chokelahoma.

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