Obama’s Hidden Failures

By Sarcasmo Jones

Barack Obama’s tenure as President of the United States approaches the 3-year mark.  Democrats and Republicans were dazzled by this eloquent, charismatic, and handsome young President who promised change.  He looks right, he talks right, and he wants to do the right thing…what is wrong with that guy?  This writer has done the research that others would not, looked in places others dared not, and talked to people who should never be spoken to and I have uncovered a shocking trail of personal shortcomings and private failures that President Obama never wanted the public to see.  If Republicans are looking for ammunition to use against the leader of the free world…look no further.

  • President Obama was never unanimously elected into office…he just got MORE votes than the other guy.  Way to fail, sir!
  • Did not kill John Boehner on the golf course when he had the chance.  “I thought about it on the fourth tee.  Boehner had his back to me and I totally could have made it look like an accident, but I chickened out” the President admitted, shamefaced.
  • Failed to make Donald Trump laugh at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner.
  • Barack Obama cannot fly.  Not even a little bit.
  • Failed to kill the Goatman of the Potomac, even though he possessed the magic Sword of Amon Rah.  The Goatman’s whereabouts are currently unknown…he could be anywhere by now.
  • Refuses to drive to Walgreens to get tampons for his wife…he has Secret Service do it.
  • Justin Bieber is still alive…enough said.
  • Told America it was “time to eat our peas.”  Barack Obama has never eaten peas.
  • Has never swum across the English Channel.
  • Gets Desi Arnaz and James Arness confused.
  • The President does not know the words to “Greased Lightening”.
  • Did not kill Bin Laden…he had some Navy Seal guys do it.
  • Has never seen They Live, The Sons of Katie Elder, or Team America: World Police.
  • Made some Dirk NoRingski jokes on Twitter and lost $50 betting on NBA losers Miami Heat.
  • Refers to rooks in chess as “castles.”
  • Gave up smoking because Al Gore said that they were “bad for him.”…quitter!
  • Barack Obama does not know who shot JR.  I told him it was Major Healy and he replied “that sounds about right”.
  • Thinks The Lucy Show is “just like” I Love Lucy.
  • Cannot pronounce the name Jiminez.
  • Has seen the movie Xanadu eighteen times…by choice.
  • Did not return Bill Clintons doobies found in the Lincoln bedroom, although Clinton has asked for their return on several occasions.
  • Uses shampoo for bubble bath.
  • Has never “blasted a cap” while holding his piece sideways in a cinematic fashion.

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