Written by Sarcasmo Jones

The most important Presidential election in recent memory is closing in fast; in fact early voting starts tomorrow in my home state of Texas. The race is very tight, maybe even too close to call. Impatient Republicans seem willing to place a psychopath in the office just to get President Obama out of office. Mitt Romney is a bully who attacked a gay man and cut his hair, allegedly dressed like a police officer and pulled folks over, strapped a dog to the roof of his car, and is an obvious pathological liar. He won’t release his tax returns, his five point plan is a five point mystery, and he has pissed off more countries running for President than G.W. did the entire eight years he was in office. Are we going to let this man buy, lie, cheat, and steal his way into the Oval Office? Nightmares can always be described in two words: nuclear war, green aliens, satanic robots, etc. My nightmare words are President Romney…and it starts with his first day in office.

9:00 am: Call Tagg and congratulate him on his rigged voting machines.

9:15 am: Repeal Obamacare.

9:20 am: Egg white omelet, buttered toast, Cuban coffee (embargo doesn’t apply to Presidents).

9:30 am: Crack down on China.

9:45 am: Balance the Budget.

10:00 am: Call Grover Norquist and assure him that all digits on my bill signing hand are good to go.

10:15 am: Blow the Koch Brothers in alphabetical order.

11:00 am: Dismantle Amtrak

11:15 am: Pull the plug on Big Bird.

11:30 am: Golf, bitches!

1:30 pm: Check on my Cayman money.

1:45 pm: Make sure that the Secret Service is circling Obama’s house while blaring “We Are the Champions”.

2:00 pm: Start printing vouchers.

2:15 pm: Start the Intrusive Ultrasounds

2:20 pm: Ban Abortions…God, I hate women.

2:25 pm: Call Putin and tell him to suck my ass.

2:30 pm: Nap.

4:00 pm: Legalize assault weapons…the gunfire should distract “those people”.

4:15 pm: Drill, baby, drill!

4:30 pm: Check on plane elevator for Air Force One and the dog rack for the roof.

4:45 pm: Auction my power of veto to the highest bidder.

4:50 pm: Nuke the Middle East.

5:00 pm: Stock Reports.

5:30 pm: Dress like a Secret Service Agent and search random White House visitors.

6:30 pm: Dance with my horse.

7:00 pm: Dinner with Trump.

9:30 pm: Fox News and Mimosas, bitches!

10:15 pm: Daddy goes to bed.