The Ballad of “Big Earl”

Written By Sarcasmo Jones

It has never been more profitable to be in the oil business than today. Oil companies, whom I shall refer to collectively as “Big Earl”, consistently top the Fortune 500 list and is the most lucrative industry ever on this planet, even more so these last few years. Big Earl is making some big bucks…yet still wants a government handout. Big Earl receives American tax subsidies of around 4 BILLION DOLLARS every year. That’s right; Big Earl is improving their bottom line on the backs of middle-class America.

The problem is that the higher prices we, as Americans, pay for petroleum products have risen drastically which, in turn, lines the pockets of oil companies. We are paying more for their products than ever before. These inflated fuel prices affect every facet of American life and the economy. It costs more to deliver goods, provide transportation, and even to mow lawns. It a good thing that Americans have elected officials looking out for our best interests and will stand up to Big Earl and tell him to shove his subsidies where the sun don’t shine…right?

Nope. Those distinguished gentlemen we hired to look out for us have landed lucrative endorsement deals from Big Earl and are working hard to make sure he gets every penny of those subsidies that he so “desperately” needs. So we give our money to the government, who in turn gives it to Big Earl, who in turn charges us even more for those necessities of life. Sounds like Big Earl is the only one coming out ahead in that deal. This comes at a bad time, economically, for the United States. Our government is having such a financial crisis that some of those fellows on the hill want to throw Granny under the bus and cut Medicare.

That’s right, we have to kill Granny so Big Earl can make that money. Old people don’t drive much, anyway…and tend to vote in massive numbers. Some of them are even Democrats, who have the common sense to see what Big Earl and their Republican servants are trying to do. I’m sure most Republican reps don’t give a shit about Medicare or the price of gas…but the rest of us do.

According to, the population of the USA in July 2009 was 307,212,123. Take the $4 billion in subsidies for Big Earl and divide by the population…$13.02. Big Earl is taking $13.02 for every man, woman, and child in the United States. That’s not profit…that’s extra money they want from us. An industry that makes in excess of $3 billion dollars a week wants us to toss in our thirteen dollars. Recently, ConocoPhillips suggested on their website that it was un-American to deny them these subsidies and make them pay taxes (See screenshot below or link to Conoco Phillips May 11, 2011 News Release here). Since when is it un-American to pay your taxes? I’m suggesting that it’s unethical to suck money from the over-taxed middle class at a time when you’re already clearing mammoth profits. Why doesn’t Big Earl throw a few bucks in the country’s coffers? Wouldn’t that be the American thing to do? Middle class America is doing its part, Big Earl…don’t confuse capitalism with patriotism. They’re not the same thing.

Screenshot of Conoco Phillips May 11, 2011 Press Release

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